Why can’t I change?

We all find it hard to change our behaviour, to do the things we know are “good for us”. I’m literally an “expert” in this, and I struggle as much if not more than most. However, my many years of experience working in this space have at least helped me to understand my behaviour more, which is the first step towards changing it. This is something I bring into my health coaching sessions - gently introducing little science-based insights to help you understand yourself a bit better.

It’s harder to change something you don’t understand

Ultimately, in order to create change, we need to understand what’s driving our behaviour. This is because what’s driving it determines what we need to do to solve it. Assume we want to eat more balanced meals. If we really want to do this, but don’t know how, some good recipes or a cooking class might help. However, if the problem is that we don’t feel motivated to do this, those recipes will just sit in a drawer. Instead we might need to really dig into what we want to change and why - or find ways to do this which truly excite us. If it’s because we don’t have time, how on earth will we find time for a cooking class? Instead we might be better using a prepared meal service (or even, looking at what other things are filling your time, and how to do less of the things you don’t want). 

For example, I could never stick to physio-type exercises for any length of time, despite knowing that they would help with the pain and injuries I get as a result of my condition, Hypermobility Spectrum Disorder. Each time I had a flare or injury, I’d see a physio, they’d give me a set of specific exercises to do repeatedly every day. I’d manage it for maybe a week or two, then give up. 

When I thought about it, there were a few things getting in my way:

1. It was SO BORING. The same boring exercises every day for months? Rubbish!
2. It wasn’t tailored to my condition, so the exercises were often difficult, and could sometimes cause me more pain
3. I didn’t see any quick improvement - they didn’t make me feel better.
4. I didn’t really find a way to fit them into my day - partly because I wasn’t very motivated to do so (who wants to get up earlier to do something you hate?!), but this meant that I often just forgot.
5. I had zero accountability - no one was checking up on whether I was doing it or not.

Essentially, I wasn’t motivated, but I was also lacking in some ability (knowing the right exercises for my body), and external support and structure. What solved it for me was finding Dr Melissa Koehl from Chimera Health - many of you have read my praise of Melissa before (not an ad, I just think she’s brilliant!), but it’s interesting to think about how she helped me from the perspective of behavioural science.

Putting some structure to our understanding: the COM-B model

There’s a model of behaviour which I find really helpful in analysing behaviours like this. Essentially, a bunch of very clever people brought together all the thousands of theories of human behaviour (because us psychologists love a theory!), and distilled it down to this: the “COM-B model”. In order to perform a behaviour (whether it’s exercising more, drinking less, or even just spending less time on your phone), we need three things: Capability, Opportunity, and Motivation.

Capability is all about whether you can do (or not do) the behaviour. It might be that you need the physical skills or stamina to be able to lift weights or run. Or maybe you literally don’t know what balance of foods you should be eating. Perhaps you really struggle with executive function and you have difficulty remembering or initiating certain behaviours. These things can really block us - if it’s hard to do a thing, we’re much less likely to do it. 

This was definitely getting in my way when it came to exercise: I didn’t know which exercises would be helpful for my own body, and if I did things the wrong way, it caused me physical pain. I also often didn’t remember to do them, because I hadn’t got a structure in place. Melissa’s programme helped me by giving me specific exercises suited to my body, starting from the absolute easiest of things, before building it up. She also broke things down into small sets of exercises, which I could then more easily fit into my day around work. 

Opportunity is all about the things outside of us. This might be the physical environment we’re in - for example, if you don’t have safe running or cycling spaces nearby. It can also be about the resources we have - can you afford those reformer pilates classes you love? But it’s also about our social environment - what the people around us do, what we were taught to do growing up, what we think is expected of us. So many of us only smoke and drink when those around us are. Our desire to fit in and be part of an “in group” is so core to our existence as humans, it’s not surprising that it influences how we behave.

For me, opportunity was something I didn’t quite know I was lacking, until I found it. The support offered by the programme Facebook group, the structure of the regular calls and emails, all offered me the accountability I needed to stick to it. It just made it all feel easier.

Motivation is something we’re all familiar with - often because we feel we’re lacking in it. What people often don’t think about is that not all motivation is created equal. Some motivation is “reflective” - this is when we weigh up the pros and cons of something and decide it’s a good idea - like planning to go to the gym after work. When we try to increase our motivation, this is often what we try to target - telling ourselves it’ll be good for us. This is often “extrinsic motivation” - doing something because we know we should, to please someone else, or to get some kind of reward. When people say “I know what I should do” - that’s reflective motivation at play. However, many of us know that these “shoulds” often don’t win out - “wants” do. This is where the other type of motivation comes in: automatic motivation. This is more about how we feel, what we want, and automatic drivers of our behaviour. It’s eating without thinking, or abandoning those post-work gym plans because we’re feeling stressed and there’s other things we’d get more enjoyment from doing. Often, this motivation is what wins out. This is often our “intrinsic motivation” - doing something because we genuinely get joy, pleasure, or immediate value from it. 

For me, my reflective motivation was pretty low (I knew I should do the exercises, but as I wasn’t seeing any immediate benefit, I didn’t feel that motivated), and my automatic motivation was non-existent (because of the aforementioned boredom!). Melissa’s programme offered a lot of education to help me to understand the why about what works, and what doesn’t, for me - which helped with that reflective motivation. It also felt GOOD in my body - I felt better every time I did my exercises - this was hugely motivating. Lastly, the range of exercises that increased in difficult over time meant I had the right level of challenge, and didn’t find it boring (hooray!)

I’m not saying that the answer for you all is to pay for a programme like Melissa’s, but I think there are some useful takeaways here for increasing your exercise:

If you’re struggling with capability:

• Start with an easy level which shows you that you CAN do it (and yes, easy exercise still “counts”!)
• Start small with fitting things into your day - it’s much easier to find time and energy for 10 minutes of something, rather than an hour

If you’re struggling with opportunity:

• Think about how you can use the social influences to support you - maybe it’s about exercising with a friend? Joining a group class, rather than just exercising solo?
• Don’t be afraid to invest in the tools you need (my collection of resistance bands is ever growing!), or clothes that make you feel good when exercising

If you’re struggling with motivation: 

• Find the right level of challenge for you and gradually increase it over time - research says that this is crucial to intrinsic motivation (and helps prevent that boredom!)
• Focus on finding something which feels good in your body. The “post-exercise endorphins” often aren’t enough for us to stick to something - we need to actually feel good during the session!

These elements of capability, opportunity, and motivation also interact. If something is easier (i.e., we have more capability and opportunity), we need less motivation. When motivation is high, we’re really driven to overcome those capability and opportunity blockers. BJ Fogg’s behaviour model explains this really nicely. So the lesson here: if you’re not feeling motivated, make the behaviour as easy as possible. If you’re very motivated, use it to invest some time into planning how you’ll change - it could be finding the right kind of exercise for you, or making a flexible plan for yourself. This will help you to ride that motivation through to actual behaviour!

Want to know more?

This is all just a little snapshot of the power of COM-B and other behavioural theories, and how it applied to me when it comes to exercise. There’s so much more I can (and will!) share over the coming weeks - but I also have an exciting offer coming up: I’m running a free online masterclass on 23rd September at 5pm. We’ll talk about how to understand your own behaviour (using COM-B and other models), and I’ll also share a few tips that can help you to create change in your own life. Places are limited - sign up now!

Alternatively if you’d like some one-on-one support in understanding and changing your behaviour, you can read about the health coaching I offer here.

I’d love to know whether this type of content is useful to you - let me know your thoughts below in the comments. What other questions do you have about behaviour?